Cave Man Discovers Fire





I didn’t start drinking until I was 22. And where I come from this is pretty fucking unusual. In fact, believe it or not, I used to be called “Two Beer Brian” in high school. I had no tolerance and genuinely did not enjoy drinking. All it took was my good buddy Gook from Chino moving up to Vegas with me for a year to get the ball rolling.

Over the past ten years now, other than making up for the fact that I wasted a good half decade of my drinkable life not drinking, I’ve been systematically experimenting on ways to enjoy larger and larger quantities of alcohol. This includes trying almost every beer and mixed drink I ever heard of, even Buffalo Sweat. Fucking eh, that’s one shot I regret. Half tequila, half tabasco, 100% misery. I’m still amazed I didn’t puke instantly.

Anyway, part of this quest has been to find the perfect drink. The perfect drink for BD needs three things:

1            Most enjoyable taste possible with respect to #2

2            Most amount of alcohol possible without ruining #1

3            Least amount of hangover symptoms the next day

At about 24 years old I was introduced to Jack and Cokes. I was told this was “a man’s drink” by my buddy Fruitty Ass. Fruitty was the type of guy that, well, never mind. He has warned me too many times that he better not end up in this book so we’ll skip the introduction on this guy.

Jack ‘n Cokes were a very enlightening experience. I hated them at first but once I realized I could handle hard alcohol way better than I could beer I was sold. I could easily drink twenty stiff drinks and still be a functioning human being the next day. In fact I was much better off than if I had twenty beers. So with this knowledge I headed to the bar and never looked back. Jack Daniels enabled most of this book.

For years I struggled with my hangovers. I believe it was in mid 2005 my buddy Rebel told me his secret, Gatorade.

Rebel: That’s why they made Gatorade, for hangovers.

BD:  Thought they made it for the athletes at University of Florida?

Rebel:  Yes, but it was because they drink too much, it didn’t have anything to do with enhancing on field performance.

BD:  You are a wise man.

Rebel:  Been bartending in Vegas for ten years bud, trust me.

Armed with this information I always kept Gatorade in my room. I could wake up, roll over and grab a bottle and start rehydrating immediately. Of course that’s assuming that I actually wake up in my bed but that’s another story. The point is that Rebel was right. The recovery time was significantly decreased if you can drink Gatorade as soon as you wake up, or even better, right before you pass out.

My next discovery happened while I was living in Delray Beach, Florida during the summer of 2007, I discovered Vodka Soda. Now this drink has little to no taste whatsoever so you’d think that would lose all its points for rule #1. But wait, the rules are relative! Vodka Sodas have a very special perk. Once you can acquire the taste for the drink they are great. And here’s why. A single Vodka Soda tastes EXACTLY the same as a double. Or even a triple. Yes, you can triple the amount of vodka in the drink and not notice the increase. And since the rules are relative, this really gives it a boost in rankings on the BD best drink scale.

This discovery was the main catalyst for the Blackout Saturdays and Sunday Fundays that made the summer of 2008 in Newport Beach a drunken disaster. With this lifestyle, Gatorade was always needed. So when we would shop for the handle of Heritage Vodka (Albertsons’ $9 store brand 1.75L) we would instinctively get a two-gallon jug of lemon-lime Gatorade.

And now to the present, today, it’s Sunday morning and I’m severely hung over from the previous blackout Saturday event. We wake up extra early to watch a Manchester United game, it’s not even 6am but you can’t watch a good soccer match without “a little sampler” as the roommates call it, it’s basically a rule in the house Shitass lives in on Balboa Island, Newport Beach.

Too hung over to think about beer or hard alcohol, I pause for a moment before I make the Vodka Soda.

BD:    Fuck dude, I can’t do this I’ll puke as soon as I pour it.

Shitass:   Yea I kinda feel the same way, but we need to start Sunday Funday.

BD:    Fuck it, I’m drinking my Gatorade, I’m just gonna put a little vodka in it and count that as my drink.

That’s when it happened. Shitass witnessed the equivalent of apes using their first tools, early man inventing the wheel, Franklin lighting his first light bulb, Bell making a phone call, and cavemen discovering fire. All combined…

BD:    Bro, I cant even taste the vodka in here, this isn’t that bad….

Shitass:  Put more vodka in it then.

BD:   I did and still can’t taste it!

Shitass:   Really? Well, I like Gatorade…

BD:  Dude, I’ve probably got three or four shots in here now, it still just tastes like Gatorade…

Shitass:   Make me one, that doesn’t sounds too bad actually.

BD:    But listen, this is what I use to cure hangovers; I wonder if it’ll work preemptively?

Shitass:  Holy shit BD this could be huge, we need to test this out. Make me a triple.

This as they say, was the beginning of the end. Figuring out that I could mix vodka with my hangover fix and send a preemptive strike at my next day hangover changed everything. It fucking works and it’s fucking good. It was my own personal “banana bag” solution. If you don’t know what a banana bag is, you don’t drink enough…

The amount of alcohol I was able to consume increased exponentially that summer. If I had to graph it, you would sure see the ‘hockey stick’ formation starting in June of 2008. This easily enabled early morning drinking for soccer matches and removed late night binges from prohibiting me to be able to make it to work the next day. This. Changed. Everything. If there is a better, easier, tastier and more productive way to consume large quantities of alcohol, even Google doesn’t know about it. Trust me.


Addendum 2010

You’d think this would be good enough that I discovered a way to drink without hangovers, but no, there is always room for improvement. I originally wrote most of this story last year but I have more to add now.  This information is too good to keep close to the chest, it needs to be released to the world.

Previously I found that I can get up to about four shots of vodka in a glass of lemon-lime Gatorade (about 16 total ounces) before the Vodka taste became overpowering. I thought that I had found a limit to perfection. I was wrong.

Don’t buy the Gatorade in the bottles at the store. You get about two gallons for $5. There are TWO distinct advantages in buying the powder mix to make the Gatorade yourself.

1.            It’s way cheaper. $5 of powder Gatorade makes about 3x the amount of regular Gatorade.

2.            You can add more alcohol. If you mix more powder than the instructions say to mix, you can make a stronger Gatorade, which enables you to add more vodka per volume and still not be able to taste it.

Armed with this new discovery I have spent the last year trying to find the limit of this drink. I have not found it, I believe that I may have reached that perfect Nirvana in my own little Utopian liquor cabinet. I recommend it to everyone. Please share this discovery with the world. It is too important to keep this secret, this information belongs to the people.

This concludes my contributions to society for this lifetime.