Christmas Sweater Whore





It’s 3am at Chilly Palmers, VegasTits must be horny because she sees me rapidly approaching whiskey dick status and intervenes, "BD, it’s time to go home."  I learned a long time ago to not argue with, and pass up on, a sober ride home. I agree to let her take me home. I leave Shitass and Khaos at the bar.

Khaos must not have showered, because a CPs barfly has started buzzing around him. She is wearing an early 90s xmas sweater, like the kind you buy at the goodwill store for a sweater party. It’s a big fluffy red and white sweater, with a santa claus sewed on it and it even has a big yarn ball hanging off the sweater where Santa's hat is.  Khaos is telling her about the chinoboys xmas tree tradition, trying to explain how we use beer cans for ornaments.

 Let me introduce you to Khaos. Basically, sports jock gone fat. Khaos played pro baseball but decided he likes Twinkies and Coors Original more. Now, his current job has him interacting with really hot underage girls everyday. And yes, because of this, I've gone to work with him a few times pretending to be his coworker. Khaos is one of those people who is never mad, always has a smile, never judgemental and accepts everyone for who they are. One of these days he’ll realize that only by me exploiting these qualities are we even friends, but until then, of that, he is one of my best.

SweaterWhore:  So when do I get to see this beer can tree?


Khaos:   Shitass you're driving my car back! I’m taking this chick to BDs house in her car.

Khaos throws his keys at Shitass and follows SweaterWhore to her car.  Shitass drives himself and our friend Stiffy home, somehow. They also ended up picking up a 4 foot tall orange cone on the way.

Khaos is driving to my place with SweaterWhore bumpin’ Rob Zombie all the way home. A chick picked up from CPs that loves Rob Zombie, this must be a dream. How can this go wrong!

It’s about a half hour later back at the house and Shitass is sleeping on the floor in my TV room. Next to him is Stiffy, passed out with her legs wrapped around the giant construction cone. Khaos and SweaterWhore come downstairs and Shitass is awakened by “You have beautiful eyes”. Shitass instantly realizes he is bout to get some showtime and starts feeling around on the ground for his glasses. Faster and faster he’s wailing his arms around and rolling over desperately like a fish flopping on a dock, trying to bounce back into the water. He’s got to find his glasses so he doesn't miss a second of showtime.

He finds them just in time. She gets down on her knees and is fumbling around with his jeans...

“Buttonfly? I hate these things”  Pop…. Pop…. pop pop pop pop. And the show begins.

She abruptly stops, stands up and says “I have to go to the bathroom” and walks off. Khaos, with his pants down to his ankles looks over to Shitass on the floor next to him and acknowledges him with his hand in the air giving the thumbs up.

She comes out of the bathroom wearing only that fucking fluffy red xmas sweater and Khaos takes her upstairs to my office. This is the point when I rejoin the story, I wake up because I feel the entire house shaking. I walk out of my room and hear it, her annoying sex screams.

It sounds like Lazyeye has locked himself in my office, again, watching porn on my computer at the highest possible volume. But no, this is real, I can hear Khaos slamming her up against the wall behind the locked door. Which is interesting because my roommate’s room is on the other side of that wall, and he has his 8 year old daughter staying with him this weekend. Classy Khaos, very classy.

I walk downstairs and see the scene with the cone and yell at Shitass, who is now sitting on the couch giggling to himself like a little girl.

BD:     What the fuck is going on?

Shitass:    She came out wearing only that horrible sweater man!

BD:         Dude Roommate’s daughter is in the room next door! Tell him to knock that shit off.

Shitass just starts laughing at me. All the while the pounding and screaming keep getting louder. To Khaos’ credit, it’s probably the biggest wiener this chick has ever seen, but it doesn’t warrant screaming as loud as you can in a strangers house at 4am.

After this ends, Khaos comes down the stairs ass naked and misses the last three steps and wipes out on the tile. He grabs a blanket and goes back up for round two. As he enters the room, the situation has taken an awkward turn.

Khaos:     Wait, why are you crying?

SweaterWhore:     I have a kid at home. What am I doing!

Khaos:    OK…..but WHY are you crying!!!?

SweaterWhore:      He is only three years old!

Khaos:    Uhh, I gotta go downstairs.

Khaos comes down the stairs in complete shock. The sight of a crying mom about to do the walk of shame because of him sobered him up pretty damn quick. Khaos is a pussy and isn’t used to this stuff.

Khaos:   Dude she’s fucking crying upstairs!

Shitass:    hahahahhaa! Is she still wearing the sweater?

Khaos:  What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Shitass:    Kick her out man, BDs already pissed about her screaming.

Khaos:   I don’t know how man.

Shitass:    Her fucking car is here, just push her out the front door pussy. That's her fucking problem she just found out she's a whore! Don't let her stay here!

By the time Khaos goes back upstairs she has collected herself, put her red xmas sweater back on, and came out of the room. Khaos caringly walks her out of the house, turns around, walks back in the house and locks the door.

Khaos:  Wow. So how pissed is BD?

Shitass:  Just tell him about the sweater he’ll laugh so hard he wont care anymore.

Khaos:  Fuck that was scary.