Elton John Wallet





The Running Rebels are playing tonight and Rebel and I have tickets. College basketball nights always end up bad. Last week we got back to the office at midnight and starting doing donuts in the work parking lot.

Picture that, a princess Lexus GS300 and a huge F150 on 22s doing donuts for a solid ten minutes. There wasn't a square foot of blacktop that didn't have our skid marks on. Honestly, this happens a lot more often than it should. The next day at work everyone knows that BD and Rebel had another crazy night out drinking.

It’s always fun coming to work, hung over as shit, denying everything and trying not to smile when people compliment the lengths of our tire marks.

So we’re pregaming it at Tropicana Cantina, the local college drinking spot for Runnin’ Rebel basketball games. Nothing but buckets of Pacificos and tables of hot Vegas sluts.

Let me introduce you to Rebel. This guy is Las Vegas. Graduate of U.N.L.V. and masters degree in attracting hot sluts. I've never seen someone attract as many hot Vegas chicks as this guy. He even dated a penthouse centerfold for half a decade. He is also the only person know that played chicken with a train. Obviously, he lost and his Bronco was totaled. He is currently up to three, the number of times he should have gotten a DUI but somehow got out of it. The last time he even blew a .11 and the cop told him if he could have someone pick him up in under five minutes he could go home. Pretty much the best and worst drinking partner to have.

After watching the game we are heading out of the parking lot. Traffic is REALLY bad for some reason. The best solution to avoid Rebel's road rage of driving over curbs and traffic barriers in the bigboy truck is to head to the closest bar. PTs at UNLV is right across the street from the dorms. It's also in a bad area, bums frequent this bar. I hate it. Rebel loves it. 

Rebel parks his truck in a way that takes up as many parking spots as possible and we head into the bar, drunk. I love walking up to the front door of a bar when I'm already drunk. It’s an odd moment of reflection for me every time it happens, and this time I'm so drunk I'm already on auto-pilot, ughhh and the night is just beginning...

Inside the bar it’s Rebel, Myself, the bartender on duty and a bum. Rebel strikes up a conversation with the bum instantly. Surprisingly, this bum has a wallet sitting on the bar next to his drink. It’s a 1980s velcro tri-fold wallet with some retro neon pink and green text on it that says "Elton John".  This is too perfect to pass up.

Rebel:  I bet you $5 that you wont put that wallet into your beer.

He has a big 25oz PTs stein of beer on the bar that is about half full. It can easily fit the wallet in it.

Bum:  And you'll really give me $5?

Rebel:  Not if you take forever we’re not going to stay here all night!

The bum takes his wallet and shoves it into the glass so it’s totally submerged in beer.

Rebel:  Now drink it! Drink your beer otherwise I'm only giving you $2!
Bum:  You didn't say...

Rebel:  Drink fucker!

The bum drinks about half of the beer in the glass, while his wallet is still in it.  I'm in awe watching this play out, just hoping the bartender doesn't come over and kick us out.


Bum:  There I did it! Can I have my $5?

Rebel:  Ok hold on let me see if I have any cash.

Rebel fumbles around and brings out some crinkled dollar bills from his pocket and straightens them out on the bar as he counts them. He only gets to four.

Rebel:  Looks like I only got $4 dude, sorry.

Bum:  What! You said $5! I want my $5!!!

By this time Rebel is laughing in this guys face. The bum is pretty irate and is close to getting physical. He does what he thought was the logical calm rational thing and calls the bartender over and tells him the story that we ripped him off and are only trying to give him $4, not the $5 that is owed....

Bum:  Yea, that's him, the one in the UNLV hat.

The bartender doesn't even look in our direction, he just keeps staring directly at the guy and says "Get the fuck out of my bar and leave them alone!"

He proceeds to kick the bum out. The $4 is still sitting on the bar and the bum has to pass right by the money to walk out the front door. By this time the bartender was coming around from the back and the bum had to make a quick decision...

Bum:  So can I have my $4?

Rebel:  Hey bartender he’s trying to take my $4!

 He gets thrown out of the bar, almost physically, with nothing but a beer soaked Elton John wallet.

Unknown to us at the time, there was a couple in the back corner watching this whole scene unfold. The guy came over and told us that was the funniest thing he had ever seen and bought us two Jaeger shots for the entertainment value of it.

The night didn't finish there, but my memory of it does.