May 20, 2005





No Bare Feet is playing at the House of Blues in Anaheim. 90% of their fans are hot 15 year old girls so we weren’t going to miss this for anything. At the club, Shitass decides to finish any drink he finds. Even though he has over $500 in cash in his pocket he decides it’s more fun to steal every drink that he comes across.

Yup, well on to his way to blotto drunk, this is going to end well.

At the bar, there is a huge display of all the beers they serve. Shitass tells the bartender Keith he is going to drink every one of them. And he does. As well as continuing to sniper others’ mixed drinks. I leave as I can tell Shitass is now fucked-under-the-table drunk.

 Across the street is the after party. Shitass shows up about 3 hours late. He stayed at the HoB to finish his goal of drinking every beer they served. By the time he comes over, he is barely walking upright, has no money and no idea what happened. I’ve never seen him quite like this, geez he’s fucking drooling!

BD:     Dude you're bout as fucked as I've ever seen you, lets get some coffee.

Shitass:    Perfect Girl

BD:     What?

Shitass:     plurflect gurrrr

BD:       Wow, go sit down at the table.

As we walk up to the table everyone is looking at Shitass and laughing. He tries to sit down and misses. Several times. We try to aim him into his chair and that doesn’t work. We try to have him fall gracefully into his chair, that doesn’t work. After literally 20 minutes, we finally get him sat down in a chair at the table. Everyone in the restaurant applauds this amazing feat.

As the food is being served, Shitass starts puking under the table. His puke smells like dog shit, I have no idea how anyone finished their meals with that mixed stench of bile, 30 or so different kinds of beers and everyone’s mixed drinks he was able to snipe.

After dinner I'm trying to get Shitass into a car without making a big scene. Downtown Disney is way crowded. As we are walking out I’m just hoping he doesn’t decide to fuck with anyone, and he doesn't, he focuses all his drunk rage on a steel trash can. Without any signal or notice he full on NFL tackles the trash can, dives at it, wraps it up and drags it down to the concrete. Textbook Chino smashmouth football baby. It was a great tackle, but then I look up, two cops are standing not ten feet from him watching this.

I saved his ass by telling the cops “I'm sorry, we are taking him home right away, do not pass go.”

On the way home in Gook's SUV, Shitass is puking out the rear passenger seat window. He is really fucked up because Shitass rarely pukes, but puking he is. Quite extraneously too.

You can tell he is over exerting himself as he gets into the dry heaves. And his puke STILL smells like dog shit.

We pull up to his house and find out why his puke smells like shit. Because it is shit. He shit himself while puking. There is a fucking pile of runny diarrhea where he was sitting. It’s dripping down between the seats. The only thing he can mumble is “I fucked up I know, I’ll take care of it in the morning.”

Shitass has to open the house for the after after party, he does and goes directly upstairs to his bathroom and we follow. We can see people coming in the front door. He stunk up the house so bad everyone was checking their shoes when they walked in thinking they stepped in dog shit.

Shitass comes out of the bathroom, completely naked with only his flip flops on. He is like a ghost as he walks by, he doesn’t even see us. As he passes we see all the shit all over him. All over his ass, smashed up his back stuck in his back hair. One of the most disgusting sights I have ever seen in my life. Even though I was there, I wouldn’t have believed it the next day if we didn’t have the pictures. He walks into his room, slides between the sheets of his waterbed and goes to sleep. 

May 20, 2005. The day he became Shitass.