22 Months





Brake and I are at our favorite Sushi bar drinking sake as fast as humanly possible. We've already gone through two 1.8L bottles and just ordered our third. It’s only us and our buddy Boozer (real name) this time. I tend to get excessively drunk at this place because it’s literally around the corner from my house, there's only so many cars and cones you can hit on the way home when you only have to drive an 1/8th of a mile.

I finish up my baked green muscles and it's about time to be going. Looking at our area of the sushi bar we've gone through three of those huge bottles of sake and an uncountable number of Asahi and Kirin.

The alcoholic owner of the place taught us all how to play his version of Chinese wrestling a long time ago. Whenever we are this fired up drunk, we start doing it right there behind our seats at the bar. There's just enough space between the bar stools and the bar tables behind them.

His version of Chinese wrestling is to face each other, place the outside of your right foot next to your opponents outside right foot and grab your right hands as if you are arm wrestling with out a table. The point of this is to never move your feet, but cause the other person to move their feet. Anything goes. Pushing their hands, pulling, squatting, leaning, faking, anything as long as you don't move your feet before your opponent.

About a half hour of this and we are really getting fired up. Brake and I decide to go one last time. Actually, I demand it since he has beating me like five times in a row. To everyone watching us there, I totally blamed me being too drunk to play but the truth is he's just way better than me. But liquid courage knows no rational thought, and this one last time I'm sure I can beat him.

We step up, lock hands and he throws me down backwards in less than two seconds. The problem with falling backwards is that’s where the tables are. I land on a table, break it, flipping up all the Kikkoman sauces and shit that's on the table. Everything breaks, there is liquid spilled everywhere and the other guests are in total shock.

BD:  Fuck it, our tabs paid lets go.

Brake:  Just leave?

BD:  I'm not cleaning up after myself!

Brake:   Al's Garage?

BD:    Perfect, let’s go!

Half hour of Chinese wrestling got me fired up enough to be willing to drive drunk to another bar three miles away. We head to The District and go to Al's Garage. The best $6 canned Coronas you can find. The place is dead so we bail right away, I didn't even finish my first corona, I'm too full and too drunk. My night is over.

Soon as we pull out and onto the main street a cop gets behind me. Oh shit, pleeeease don't pull me over. I’m drunk and my car isn’t registered. It’s not that my tags are expired, I just have no license plates at all. All I have is a piece of paper that says "Lexus" in place of a license plate that the dealer put on there when I bought it. Usually cops wont fuck with someone that just bought a new car because they don't want to deal with the temporary paperwork bullshit, but this guy saw me pull out from a bar and wants to fuck with me.

The lights come on and I get pulled over.

BD:    Fuck, I can't believe I'm getting a DUI.

Brake:  You're not getting a DUI calm down.

BD:   Dude I'm as drunk as I've ever been, I'm fucked.

Brake:  You're fine, stop worrying!

BD:      Promise to bail me out and I wont worry, I ain't calling my parents, no effin way!

Brake:  Yea of course man, if you get popped I'll come get yo.....BAAAARF

Fucking Brake pukes mid sentence into his lap, which goes onto my seat and floor. I am so fucked. This is probably one of my top five most drunken nights I've ever had and I’m pulled over with my friend puking himself.

Right then the cops are on the car megaphone:

Police:   Driver, throw your keys out of the window onto the road.

Boozer:   Dude they aren't messing around, this is what it was like when I got my DUI.

Brake:     I'm sorry about your seats man what should I do.

BD:       Whatever the cops say to do, I doubt they'll fall for me being the DD but you puking might have helped me.

Police:  Driver, open your door from the outside and exit the vehicle.

Police:  Passengers, stay seated and keep your hands in the air.

Police:  Driver, walk backwards toward my voice.

I have never had my adrenaline running like it was then. I'm fucking going to jail. All the times I've gotten off, all the times I've talked my way out of shit, all the times I've never had to deal the consequences of my actions....this is my payback. Maybe there is such a thing as karma after all.  Now the officer tells me to turn around without using the speaker and talks to me like a human.

Police:   What’s going on tonight?

BD:       I'm taking my friends out drinking, they are idiots when they drink and its safer when I drive them.

Police:  So you haven't been drinking?

BD:      Yes I have, I had half of a can of corona at Al's Garage but I didn't even finish it.

Police:   They serve Corona in a can there?

BD:      Yea, and it’s fucking six dollars too, believe that shit?

Police:   And that's it?

BD:       We had sushi a few hours ago, I had some beers then too. Look, my whole family is law enforcement, I know you guys can tell the second someone gets out of the car whether they are drunk or not. I'm happy to comply and do any tests you want me to, but if you do the follow my pen with your eyes test you'll see I'm OK.

Police:   Ok cool, come over here lets do some field sobriety.

BD:       Yea I gotta watch my friends, the dude in the back seat, Boozer, he already has a DUI and the guy in front just puked all over my seats when you pulled us over!

Police:   His name is Boozer?

BD:       Yea, can you imagine the laughter in his AA class when they called his name out?

The officer smiles a little bit as he tries not to laugh at that joke, he starts the 'don't move your head and follow the pen side to side test'. Listen people, I know there is no way I passed this test, but I also know in Vegas that is irrelevant. The discretion is 100% up to the officer pulling you over no matter what anyone else says. He was a cool officer and I was very cooperative. In Vegas, it’s still the wild west out here. Mostly the cops are cool if you're not an idiot, and with one friend with a previous DUI and the other puking in my seats, I was hoping he would give me a pass. Being friendly to people who risk their lives every day goes a long way, so does being a clean cut white guy driving a Lexus.   ;)

Police:   What’s with your car, why don't you have a license plate?

BD:       That's how it came when I bought it, I just haven't gone to the DMV yet.

Police:   Why not?

BD:        I'm lazy.

Police:   Uhh, OK, how long has it been?

BD:       Ehhhh, it's been over thirty days, it's my fault, I deserve the ticket.

Police:   Yea I'm gonna have to write you up for that.

BD:       That's fine I understand.

A few minutes go by as they run my license and background. I have a completely clean record. No tickets, no warrants, no prior arrests, nothing. So I'm almost thinking I might get off at this point. He didn't do any DUI tests after the pen, was talking to me very friendly and was somewhat sympathetic to my car getting puked on as we wait for the results.

Police:   Your license is suspended!

BD:       What! No way, I've never been in any trouble before, why?

Police:  I'm not sure, I've never seen the computer do this before, but it doesn't say why...

BD:       There is no way I have a suspended license sir, no way.

Police:   I can't figure out what's going on here but I have to take your license anyway, sorry.

BD:       Well, how am I supposed to drive these guys home? What should I do?

I asked that question right then because I was freaking cold and was sick of not knowing if I was going to jail or not. I wanted to know right then if I was getting off with an expired tags ticket, or going to jail for DUI and driving on a suspended. Gamble paid off.

Police:   Where do you have to go?

BD:     Straight down Horizon Ridge, one street over at Gibson

Police:   Go straight there, do no pass go, do not pick up any late night munchies.

BD:    Will do.

He gave me my tickets for suspended license and unregistered vehicle and that was that. I got back in

my unregistered vehicle with no license to drive home, and now Brake was puking directly on my floor mat. The whole car smelled like sake. I pulled a U turn and we’re on our way to my house.

Brake:  Told you, you weren't going to jail! What are those tickets for?

BD:    Suspended license and not having plates.

Brake: Your license is suspended and he let you off?

BD:   Yea I guess so, he couldn't tell me why though, it was weird.

Brake:    Why don't you have license plates?

BD:       After I bought the car I never went to the DMV to register it.

Brake:   When was that?

BD:       22 months ago.



There is no karma.