Naked Relay Races
It's March 28, 2005. My birthday. All week I’ve told friends to meet up at Chilly Palmers tonight. Chilly Palmers is the local bar I spent most of my free time at while I lived in Vegas. I get away with pretty much anything here and tonight was no different. It's midnight and there are about 20 of my friends here, both guys and chicks and scattered throughout the rest of the bar there are about 30 other people we don’t know. Some playing video poker, some playing pool and even a few families eating dinner at the tables.
I come out of the bathroom and notice Shitass and Truk sitting next to a frumpy blonde chick playing video poker and chatting it up. Shitass is already bombed and it's obvious he's on autopilot, so I assume he's not getting anywhere...that is, until I notice that she is showing them her tits. Right there sitting at the bar she has her tits pulled out showing Truk and Shitass. Then I hear them yelling for me loud enough for the entire bar to hear (including the families eating dinner).
Truk: BD get over here she wants to show you her tits for your birthday!
Shitass: Yea you gobba see mthmyri bboobs and slans. (Excited drunk mumbling)
I walk over to their side of the bar rather quickly and, well, Frumpy is disgusting. Just a pile of fat wrapped in skin sitting on a severely undersized barstool, I’ve got to deflect this attention away from me…
BD: It’s not my birthday yet, but you can make out with Truk.
Truk: No way!
Frumpy: What don't you like girls?
Truk: I like girls just not you.
Shitass: Maybe you should give BD a blow job for his birthday!
This I didn’t dismiss so quick, I did think about it for a moment because VegasTits, the current girlfriend, isn't here yet, but I just can't. Had I been into double digit Jack and Cokes at that time, maybe, but sadly I had just arrived. I’m too sober to start doing stuff I’ll regret, but I am still sober enough to recognize the opportunity at hand… the kind of chick that say shit like this and shows off her tits in a bar two minutes after you meet her, well, she can be talked into just about anything. At this point I don’t care that she looks like an albino wild boar, it's time to exploit her for my amusement.
Frumpy: What is that?
Now the look on Shitass' face is equally perturbed. It takes him a few seconds to realize that all I’m really trying to do is to get this chick to run around the bar naked so we can all laugh at her. Once he organizes those few thoughts in that beer soaked brain, he’s on board with the plan.
Frumpy: You guys don’t really run around this bar naked do you?
At this point in my life, you would think I know better than to call out Shitass to get naked. Anywhere, anytime doesn't matter, it's just a completely forgone result that he will, so as this began to unfold I had to do some quick maneuvering. Five feet behind me there are two tables of families eating their dinners, and right in front of me Shitass already has his shirt off and is undoing his belt to his shorts. Oh crap!! I have very little time as Shitass never wears underwear.
As we put down our beers we see Shitass hobbling to the patio area. Hobbling, because he is barely holding his shorts up above his knees exposing his obscenely hairy ass to the entire bar. When this happened everyone in our group realized something was going on. Shitass is heading to the patio almost completely naked with Frumpy the blonde barfly that just had her tits out right behind him. Even if you weren’t familiar with seeing me and Shitass regularly exploit drunk women for amusement (which most people in attendance had), the oddity of that scene would get you to follow anyway.
Shitass and Frumpy are first out the door, followed by most of our group. I am last because I looked over to see if BartenderGeGe was following these events. Indeed she was. Ya know that look your mom gives you when she disapproves of what you are doing so much that she can't put it into words? Yep, she is giving me that look.
I walk to the patio and the first thing I see just outside the door is all of Shitass' clothes. I look up and I see his head on the other side of the planter running right to left. Right behind him I see Frumpy’s nasty blonde mess of a hairdo right behind him. As they round the corner I see I have succeeded in my quest. It's beautiful. They are both ass naked running around the planter in the patio area of Chilly Palmers.
Sometimes I am still able to impress myself. I took a casual comment meant to be a half-joke from a drunken frumpy barfly and turned it into this: two drunk-asses chasing each other buck naked at a bar.
As enamored with my slubi skills as I am, my natural instinct to push the boundaries of poor taste kicks in and as they round their second lap I covertly slide closer and slap her ass as hard as I can as she passes. So hard, in fact, I basically knocked her over into the planter in full stride. And on lap three as she runs by I am stunned by the fact that this just got funnier. How? She is pale. Very pale, albino pale, and now she has a perfectly defined bright red hand print on the right side of her ass.
Then it happens. We've all had it. That brief moment of sobriety at a point in your drunken night, those few precious seconds of clarity in the midst of a drunken haze. Well, I saw her have hers that night. As she rounds the corner on lap four she sees about 25 people now falling over laughing their asses off, and she stops running. She then looks at the red hand print on her right ass cheek and says “whoa”.
I think to myself that I am OK with her getting mad about it. I’ve just had a great time the past 5 minutes , gotten some amazing pictures and no matter what she says to me, it was all worth it. But...then:
Shitass jumps in and slaps her left side. He misses and hits her back. Someone else slaps her ass and then about five people do it. All in about three seconds. Now she is red everywhere from the beating. Laughing, stumbling, so drunk I doubt she knows she's naked at a bar in front of a group that has grown to 30 people.
And this folks is when the plot thickens. It's when we first noticed it.
We all noticed it at that same time and pretty much everyone was grossed out by it and looked away. But for those of us like me who revel in absurdities, oddities and pure gross out, this revelation only added to our uncontrollable laughter. Someone then must have had enough because her clothes came flying past us and hit her in her face. She got the hint and got dressed but her oversized red thong had flown past Truk and landed right on top of TrukSidekick's fresh plate of nachos. Nachos at Chilly Palmers are a meal for three people, and they are freaking good. They are not to be wasted. TrukSidekick just laughed and proceeded to eat the nachos, disregarding the fact he couldn't tell if he was eating sour cream or snail trails. He must not have been paying attention during the string part. After this it ended quickly and we were on to other things.
The next week at work quite a few people were talking about the ‘naked relay races’ at Chilly Palmers. All of the above stories were being passed around the office. Most people did not believe them and I was more than happy to PROVE this story to everyone. So yea, I sent the pictures around. A trip to the HR office is in my very near future.
The Chilly Plamers Naked Relay Races of '05.