The Peak of my Maturity Level





Shitass and I are leaving Newport Beach and driving up to my parents place in central Cali to do some farming. They are putting in an olive tree farm and need us to do the hard labor. They don't judge us when we crack our 7am beers when were digging holes using heavy machinery to build their shit out. On the way up we have an interesting conversation....

BD:  Remember when I texted you when I pissed myself in Florida on the freeway?

Shitass:  Of course, I was sitting on the recliner next to Lazyeye watching a baseball game naked. We just decided to watch the game naked together for the hell of it.

BD:  Ha! Man, we literally peaked in high school. Maturity, responsibility, accountability...

Shitass: Yea! Shit in high school I used to have a savings account!

BD:  Back then I used to care about my job.

Shitass:  I had never shit myself in high school.

BD:  Yea I never pissed my pants in high school, I’ve done that twice since.

Shitass:  In high school I only took pain killers for pain, not for fun when drinking.

BD:  Yea back in high school I thought drinking was bad and alcoholics were bad people.

Shitass:  Hell, I was still planning on having a career back then.

BD:  Back then I really did have more responsibilities than I do now.

Shitass:  When we were in high school our little brothers looked up to us.

BD:  In high school I actually used to listen to my parents.

Shitass:  Back then I paid my bills.

BD:  I used to give a shit about my credit rating.

Shitass:  I used to eat three healthy meals a day!

BD:  I can beat that, I used to shower at least once a day!

Shitass:  And I used to wash my hands after I used the bathroom.

BD:  I used to have respect for authority figures.

Shitass:  I used to battle my hangover with water, now I just start drinking again.

BD:  Back in high school my parents were proud of me.

Shitass:  I never drank before 9am, hell I never drank before noon back then.

BD:  I used to do manual labor, now I pick up Mexicans from Home Depot to do it.

Shitass:  I used to think I would have a wife and kids someday.

BD:  My friends used to like hanging out with me, now they just put up with me.

Shitass:  We never took advantage of drunk girls in high school.

BD:  Shit, I was still nice to chicks back then.

Shitass:  We would go to sporting events to watch the game, not as an excuse to get drunk.

BD:  And we would never drink and drive, there was always a DD.

Shitass:  I used to consider others feelings before I said anything mean.

BD:  The Chino fire dept never showed up to my house to put out my bonfire.


This back and forth lasted the entire four hour trip, we didn’t even turn on the radio. I really wish I had this conversation recorded.

To our parents, don’t worry, you raised us right. We take full responsibility for how we ended up.