Road Trip, Day One





Lazyeye, P-Whip and Shitass drive to Vegas to pick me up to start our cross country road trip. We plan on leaving Vegas around 6am to drive straight thru nonstop to Springfield, MO. So when they arrive at my place in Vegas at midnight what do Lazyeye and P-Whip do? Go to bed to get a good nights sleep. What do Shitass and I do? Head straight to Chilly Palmers for a six hour drinking binge because, fuck it, we aren't driving.

Shitass and I return to my house at 5am screaming and yelling, ringing the doorbell and banging on walls to wake them up.

Lazyeye:    What the fuck, are you guys JUST getting back?

Shitass:  Roooooooooad trip!

BD:   Lets go bitches we’re waiting on you guys!

Lazyeye:   You better not puke in my truck.

BD:      You better not be a fucking pansy this whole trip. LETS ROLL!

Everyone being all packed up already we were out of the house within 15 minutes of me and Shitass coming home from the bar. Somewhere around the Arizona New Mexico border is where we realized how bad of an idea this was. I am laying down in the foot space area in the back of a full size extra cab Chevy truck in 110 degree weather with no A/C because P-Whip is a fucking cheapass and wants to save money by getting better gas mileage. Keep in mind I'm 6'3 and huddled in that floor space. Shitass is taking the seat area to sleep. Fuck it is hot and now I'm pissed off. I wish Lazyeye would get pulled over right now or something just to be a dick for not using the A/C.

Oh shit, Lazyeye really is getting pulled over. Ha! Shitass and I have the truck reeking of alcohol and bad gas (Chilly Palmers has great wings...). Do they have a seatbelt law in this state? What state are we in?

Lazyeye and P-Whip are so pissed off at us right now. He is the dumbass that was speeding but somehow its our fault because we are laughing at him.

Shitass:  haaaa ha ha ha, how fast were you going dumbass?

BD:      Does it smell like alcohol in here?

Lazyeye:   You guys smell terrible, I'm going to have to do a DUI test.

BD:   Lets see if the cop is gay, I'm going to tell him he is sexy.

Lazyeye:   Shut the hell up don't say a freaking thing.

BD:      I wont say a word if you promise to use the A/C the rest of the way...

Lazyeye got off with a warning and I got A/C.

I take some asprin and drink about a gallon of water and pass out. I wake up in the early afternoon a day later on a nice soft bed. Sweet, we are in Springfield already and I have no recollection of the drive there.


That was awesome. I'm well rested and ready to freaking do this. Good thing too, because day one, as it would turn out, ended up being a hell of a first day.

We hit CousinBeer's house. I am racing Shitass to the fridge, we need beer immediately. We get there and open it…

Shitass:   What. The. FUCK! This fridge is filled with food and crap!

BD:    No way, Lazyeye, you said your cousins were cool, there’s no fucking beer here!

Lazyeye:  Quit complaining I'll take you to the store.

BD:      Dude it’s filled with vegetables n shit!

Lazyeye:  Shut up I said I’ll take you to the store.

The fridge had no beer at all and it looked like a family of four lived there with all that normal food and leftovers and shit. A trip to the store and 20 minutes later we are tossing out all of his items in his fridge to fit the four 30packs we just bought. Bread, milk, ketchup bottles, leftovers in Tupperware containers; all tossed out for beer space.  CousinBeer lives with his girlfriend so he is going to get yelled at when she gets home. The look on his face confirms this. Fuck it, like I care. I need cold beer.

About this time Cousin10inch drives over, in his car, which is a 1984 white Lincoln Towncar LIMOSUINE. No fucking lie. This guy drives around in the limo from The Wedding Singer movie!


That thing burns so much freaking oil Al Gore would call it ManBearPig. You can't even drive behind him because of the huge thick cloud of white smoke. It's our ride for the next couple days and I think it’s perfect!

BD:    Fill that fucker up with beer lets start this party!

Shitass:   Oh man I might die on this trip.

BD:         Put yourself on the liver transplant list right now fucker.

Shitass:   I hate you. I love you. Give me a beer.

While Shitass and I are pounding beers Lazyeye and P-Whip are having nice conversations with their cousins. We don’t even pretend to care about small talk, Me and Shitass are in the back seats of the limo, seatbelts on, going beer for beer like someone just yelled out last call.  This gets us is the right mood to be driving around in an old ass limo blowing so much smoke it looked like a Malibu wild fire moving down the street. Cousin10inch even keeps quarts of oil in the car for trips over 10 miles, it goes thru that much. We park in front of some middle American hick karaoke bar. The smoke from the limo settles over the entire bar's parking lot like fog over a field in the morning.

Several buckets of beer into the night we finally got Lazyeye as drunk as us. Me, Lazyeye and Shitass end up walking outside and we see Cousin10inch showing a girl why we call him Cousin10inch. Yep, right there in the patio of the bar he has it whipped out. The chick is really hot and he pulls her dress up a few times for us when they start making out.

I apologize to our waitress for my friends and tell her I am from Vegas and we are on a cross country road trip. No more than twenty seconds of flirting and she is writing down her number and tells me to call her at 1am when she gets off and she will come ride with us in the limo. Sweet, in town for an hour and already have a slubi for the night.

A few minutes later I notice Shitass is sitting between two chicks with his arm around each of them. One he is talking to, the other is leaning over puking onto the patio. Shitass see this and decides to make his move. He starts making out with the one who is not currently puking. About the time he stops kissing her, the other one is wiping her mouth with Shitass' shirt sleeve. Not two seconds after she does this he turns to her and starts making out with her.

I sit watching in amazement for two reasons. First, He has been talking to these girls no more than two minutes, and sitting right between them he makes out with both of them. And second, he made out with the chick literally seconds after she had stopped puking up her quesadilla. AWESOME. High Five for Shitass.

I quickly snap out of it, grab my camera and take pictures of this. Yes, this really just happened, and I got pictures of it!

So thinking that this was the climax of the night we head out of the bar. The limo is now parked along the main street that the bar is on. We are drunkenly slaloming our way thru the parked cars and we cross paths with two cougars. Cousin10inch starts it off.

Cousin10inch:   Hey! The limo driver needs a kiss lady...

CougarOne goes over and start making out with him without even saying a word.

Lazyeye:    What am I a piece of shit?

My waitress distracted me from the conversation for a minute and when I walked back up I realized that Shitass making out with two puking chicks was no climax. Nope, not even close.

CougarOne is down on her knees between the parked cars sucking off Cousin10inch. Right next to Cousin10inch is Lazyeye also with his cock out.

CougarOne has her left hand holding Cousin10inch's cock and her right hand holding Lazyeye's. She switches off every few seconds to suck the others cock. CougarTwo is following Shitass into the limo.

CougarOne and Cousin10inch sneak off to the other side of the limo. Lazyeye goes into the limo and stands up inside out of the sunroof. Seeing that stupid look on his face I can tell he is currently getting sucked off. Next thing I know Shitass is standing out of the sunroof also with the same look on his face.

CougarTwo is putting in some work!

I realize at this point I am seriously missing out so I stop taking pictures and dive into the limo and it is just as I expected. I can only see Shitass and Lazyeye from the waist down with CougarTwo in front of them trading off going down on each of them. I drop my pants and squeeze up in that same sunroof without thinking about the logistics of three guys, all with hard-ons, standing out of a single sunroof. I pulled it off ok and a few seconds after getting up there it was my turn. High fives between the Me, Shitass and Lazyeye standing out of the sunroof.

From the sunroof we have a better view of Cousin10inch and CougarOne. We catch a few seconds of them having sex on the hood of the limo and then they decide to come in the limo also.

Cousin10inch jumps in and gets behind CougarTwo and just starts drilling her while she is giving us head. CougarOne must have started helping out on sunroof duty because our turns are coming much quicker than when there was just one of them.

I drop down out of the sunroof and sit on the seat of the limo next to the front and start taking pics again. Oh god. Oh geez. Those few seconds of sobriety were a shock.

What the F are we doing!

CougarOne's face look like someone shot it with a paintball gun filled with marbles. CougarTwo had so much cellulite on her ass it looked like divots from someone hacking away with a 9 iron.

I could see much clearer from the flash of the camera now. Geez, its a fucking warzone in here. Lazyeye must have kicked something because his shin is bleeding and dripping down his leg. I'm feeling like I need to puke so I get outside the limo just in case and go talk to my waitress.

BD:          How much longer till 1am?

Waitress:  I saw what was going on in that limo.

BD:          You came over there?

Waitress:  Yea I got cut early so I was coming over to hang out and...

BD:          I'm guessing you peaked in the limo, and now you won’t be hanging out tonight?

Waitress:  No I won’t.

BD:          No means maybe...

Waitress:  Maybe another time.

BD:          Call you tomorrow night!

That was the last I heard of her. But who can blame her, she probably walked up on that limo filled with two cougars and three dudes being lit up randomly by the flashes from my camera. I wish I could have seen what that looked like from the outside. Well, no not really.

This for sure was the climax of the night. We kicked them out and headed home. I woke up on Cousin10inch's driveway with puke all around me. Which was weird because I remember a green truck being in the driveway when we got home. Oh wait, there it is. Wait, what the hell is going on here...

In front of his house, in the middle of the street was that green truck, we didn't even know who owned it. But both doors are open wide, Lazyeye lying across the bench seat in his blue boxers. As I walk up to it I notice that Lazyeye has pissed himself, his light blue boxers are dark blue in all the wrong areas. I walk to the drivers side where his legs are leaning out the side of the opened door and I step in a pile of puke...

BD:    Shit! Damnit Lazyeye you had to puke right here!

BD:      Double Shit! Why am I barefoot! Where are my flip flops! What the shit is going on!

Lazyeye:    What happened?

BD:             I have no idea, whose truck is this?

Lazyeye:    What the hell, whose truck is this?

Lazyeye:    Did I sleep here? Why is it in the street?

BD:            Dude look at your boxers...

Lazyeye:    What the shit, I pissed myself!?

BD:            Remember the limo....?

Lazyeye:   Oh man BD, please delete those pictures!

BD:            I declare day one of this road trip a success, lets start day two!

Lazyeye:    Kill me now.