Road Trip: Day Two and Onward
Any trip that started off the way this one did is going to be epic. The following days and nights did not let us down. Day 2 we had to wake up early to go “floating”. It’s some Midwest tradition of getting into two person canoes, loading them up with as much beer as possible and floating them down river for about 4 hours.
After the first night (previous story) we are all puking in the morning. Lazyeye gets a vitamin B suppository from his cousin’s girlfriend to help him snap out of it. A vitamin suppository? What. The. Fuck. Maybe this shit is normal in Missouri, but I've never even seen or heard of this shit. Neither has Lazyeye so he asks Shitass.
Lazyeye: Dude do you think I should do it?
Shitass: Why not, it can't hurt just go into the bathroom and get it up there.
Lazyeye: Don’t tell anyone that I'm going to shove this thing up my ass.
We’re in the limo on the way to the river. It’s like 7am and I am puking out of the back window. Imagine that scene, a limo rolls past you, blowing out a giant plume of white smoke and there are people puking out of both sides of the rear windows. That was us that morning. Again, I’m that guy. Here are some good pics of me during that ordeal.
Cousin10inch is driving and CousinOther decides to pull a teen wolf. Yep, the fucker decides to climb out of the sunroof and stand on top of the roof as we are driving down the street. I tried to watch but I kept puking and generally gave up being an active participant of this quest until we go to the river.
On the river, Lazyeye and myself team up on a canoe. He is doing a lot better than he should be, shit, he is already pounding beers again and it’s not even 10am.
BD: Dude how are you feeling so good after last night?
Lazyeye: I don’t know, I must have puked it all out last night.
BD: Yea and I stepped in it dick, thanx.
Lazyeye: Stop being a pussy and man up, I drank more than you!
Of course it wasn’t until years later that I finally got it out of Shitass that the fucker shoved an anti-hangover pill up his ass a few hours earlier. Fucking cheater. Not that I would have done it too, but shit don’t be calling me out.
After floating we get back at the house and Cousin10inch has a random slubi come over. This chick is fucking HOT. Perfect body, nice tan but her face is a mess. It’s pretty bad, her face reminded me of the moon landing it had so many craters. How does such a young slubi have such a fucked up face? Whatever.
Me, Shitass and Lazyeye are watching Sportscenter when we hear them start fucking. She’s a screamer. Naturally this peaks my curiosity and when I go into the hall I see why we can hear them so clearly. Cousin10inch left the door open. And holy shit, what the fuck kind of position is that called?
He’s got this slubi sucking his dick upside down on her hands and feet like a backward crab walk in the movie Poltergeist. I didn’t even know that shit was possible.
BD: Hey Shitass get in here you gotta see this shit!
Shitass: Are you taking video?
BD: I am now….!
After performing some serious showtime in the bedroom it’s time to kick it up a notch. He walks out and sits on the couch next to us, ass naked and yells at her to follow. She comes out, also completely naked, hair all messed up to shit, looking to get some more of Cousin10inch.
As she’s standing in front of him sitting on the couch going down on him, Shitass grabs the mounted bull horns mount hanging on the wall. He smartly puts on some clear blue safety goggles and gets behind her. That’s when I snapped by far the best pic I have ever taken in my life. This pic is as epic as the road trip was, no description is even necessary.
The next morning we all wake up to the smell of breakfast. Midwest women, they know how to treat their men. CousinOther brought his girlfriend over and had her cook us all breakfast to wake us up. Why? So we would make it on time……to church.
Church? Ha, FUCK YOU!
BD: No way, I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore, sorry.
Shitass: Hell no me either, you guys have fun.
Lazyeye: Dude you got to go it's my family.
Shitass and I got endlessly pressured to attend service that morning. Wanna guess who gave us the most shit? Yep, the upsidedown crabwalking dick sucking whore. Not 8 hours after she was performing for all of us she was giving us shit telling us we were bad people for not attending service. The mother fucking bible belt is ridiculous.
Everyone leaves and Shitass and I get bored instantly.
BD: Let’s raid the house and drink all their booze.
Shitass: Dude it’s a Christian house they don’t have shit I already looked.
BD: Hey dumbshit, Christian’s just hide their alcohol, lets find it.
BD: I'd put $100 on it that those two beers in the fridge aren’t it, they got a stash somewhere.
We turned that house upside down. They were nice enough to open their house to us and what did we do? Destroyed it looking for alcohol. After every failed search we got increasingly more upset, leaving the next searched room even more disheveled that the previous.
Shitass: There's nothing, one beer each! This sucks! I’m sweating! I hate humidity!
BD: I’m not giving up, I KNOW there’s a stash somewhere.
The last place I looked was the laundry room. Jackpot bitches! Right behind the detergents and dryer sheets in the highest cabinet, there they are. Several 1.75L bottles of every kind of alcohol. Looks like it’s going to be a Captain Morgan morning.
We drink rum and cokes all morning and find that Cousin10inch has left his cell phone at the house. Dumbass, time for a typical BD move.
Do all your friends have passwords set on their cell phones? Mine do. Exactly for this reason.
I grabbed it and called every single contact in the phone that was a female name. Every single one. I let it ring twice and just hung up. After about an hour he had so many people calling him back nonstop I couldn’t even make any more calls. I pulled the battery and let the Voicemails fill up.
He told us later on that he was doing damage control for weeks after that. Every past hookup he ever had was calling him back asking him what he wanted and why he called. He was extra pissed because he even kept Xs and chicks that he hated or were psycho in his phone so he would know to ignore their calls. Well, they all got called that day.
Next day we attended a Cubs game in Chicago. Without going into the particulars, Shitass got kicked out of the Cubby Bear, the bar across from Wrigley Field, because he was kickboxing this chick at the bar, apparently they look down on that there.
Then shortly after I puked in a corner of the parking garage, it was a violent vomiting session. You can see the pain on my face in this pic snapped right after I finished and climbed back in the truck.