28 Shots, 10 Beers and 2 Knife Hits





The plan: Shitass drinks 28 shots during his 28th birthday. 8am start time at Chilly Palmers, we've already told the bartenders this event would be taking place. But at 9am I have to barge into his room.

BD:         Why are you still sleeping we’re an hour behind already fuck!  

Shitass:    I'm going to die today huh?

BD:        Told you we shouldn’t have drank last night you needed to be prepared for this train wreck that today will become.

We get dropped off at the bar by VegasTits at about 930am. TennesseeTim the bartender is just getting off from his graveyard shift and eating breakfast so we decide to join him for some burritos.

BD:    Hey we’re here for his bday remember?

TennesseeTim:   Hey that’s right let’s do some shots!

Shitass:    Jaeger goes good with breakfast, let’s start with that.

BD:     Shitass, that breakfast burrito is the last solid thing that will enter your body today.

We get through most of the day by watching football bowl games. Shitass’ birthday is on new years eve, so there are plenty of great bowl games on TV. There was a lull in good games, so we hit up the arcade game Golden Tee.

This is when I put the day into overdrive. At any given point during the next couple hours there were at least two full Jaeger shots and two full Coronas on Shitass’ drink table right next to the arcade game. For the first nine holes, I make him take a shot before every tee-off.  By the end of this we are quickly pushing 20 shots and it’s not even dark out yet.

Yup, Shitass is definitely on his way to being surrounded by pink elephants and singing mice. By now he has to wall bounce his way to the pisser every time. It’s like Autopia at Disneyland for drunks at a bar.

Its 9pm before anyone else joins us and Shitass is at 25 shots, even Boris Yeltzen would be proud of this shit. By 10pm, Shitass can't even focus on anyone he is talking to.

He also can’t finish any sentences. This is a common symptom of fuckhammered Shitass. He will slur the first three words of a sentence and then he just gets stuck and gives up on the thought. Our buddy Truk shows up and assesses the situation...

Truk:    No fucking way he can make it to 28 he can’t even talk.

BD:      I despise your lack of faith infidel!

Shitass:     Truk just shut th….

Truk:   You’re a disaster.

Shitass:   I have not yet begun to….

Shitass grabs his Corona and heads to the bathroom to puke. Chilly Palmers just renovated their bathroom and it looks really nice. Something tells me Shitass is going to break his corona bottle in there so I follow him in. I’ve seem him pissing-down-your-own leg-drunk before and bad shit always happens when he is like this. He downs the last of the beer in the bottle as he’s walking in and sure enough, he throws it as hard as he can at the new tile walls. He proceeds to start puking. At least he's puking in the toilet. I walk into the kitchen back room of CPs to get the broom and dustpan, when the bartenders looked at me I said “Don’t ask, Ill take care of it.”  They didn’t, and I did.

 Truk:   You just puked? Ready for another shot?

Shitass:  whime glona hid twunny ught! (I’m will hit 28)

BD:       You sound like Bruce Willis “I will make 800 feet!” hahahaha

The 28th shot was somewhat anticlimactic, but it still signaled the completion of goal. The pic above is the actual 28th shot of Jaeger, with VegasTits in the background.

Shitass had a party all planned for him that night, I told Pancho that there was no way he would be able to make his own party, but they planned on it anyway. So somehow we ended up going to Pancho’s house after the 30th or so shot. Poncho lives walking distance from Chilly Palmers so it was the most logical place to go. Shitass by this time needs to be carried out of CPs.

PanchoEsposa:     I have a cake for you!

Shitass:            thas zunds gwaaate

Pancho:   Wanna do some knife hits?

Shitass:    Why yes sir I do. (in perfect English)

So now Shitass is well past 40 drinks and taking knife hits of weed. He is in the final stages of pre-four-day-hangover drunk mode. VegasTits calls an end to the night at 130am, Shitass is comatose on the couch. He rides homes in the backseat with a garbage bag on his lap. He rarely pukes but VegasTits has never seen him like this and doesn't trust him in her new Mustang...

The next day is all football and recovery. Truk and Sidekick come over to watch some of the games.

Truk:   Good to see you’re alive, Shitass. Seriously

Shitass:   Ya know how people say they feel like a million bucks?

Truk:     Uh yea?

Shitass:      I feel like four dollars and ten cents.

I toss Shitass a Bud Light and tell him to walk it off. Eight hours later the Bears Vikings game is on and Shitass is still on the same beer. This I have never seen before. Shitass not drinking during a Bears game? It’s like seeing a four leaf clover for the first time, and for me I savored the memories of this day because I knew I'd never see this again.

For the next few days Shitass is in the bathroom shitting constantly. One time about four days after his birthday night he is so dehydrated his legs start cramping up while he's sitting down shitting…

Shitass:    BD come in here and help me I can’t get up. My legs are cramped

BD:      Are you fucking serious? Fuck no I'm not helping you off the shitter.

Shitass:   I still haven’t shit anything solid, it’s been almost a week.

BD:    Does it still smell like Jaeger?

Shitass:     Shit, next year I turn 29. Really not looking forward to that...