50 Yards





I'm just about home from a night of drinking at Chilly Palmers and shit, I'm getting pulled over by Henderson P.D.  I'm pretty drunk but I think I could pass all the tests. I do a mental check list test to see if I can answer common questions, as I'm slowly pulling over to the right I try to feel all my limbs and make sure I am 100% "there".

Is there anything suspicious in my car? Is anything in the open that I should hide? Where are my insurance papers? I never registered this car when I bought it a year ago, shit I hope he doesn't ask about that. Where are my Altoids?

Ok, I'm coming to a stop, about 50 yards away from the entrance gate to my neighborhood. Shit! Of all places, 50 yards from safety, I'm about to get a DUI right in front of my house. Well, fuck it, lets do this.

Officer:   How you doing tonight?

BD:     I’m doing great!

Officer:   Have you been drinking tonight?

BD:       Yes I have, but my house is right there.

Officer:   You live in this neighborhood?

 BD:      Yup, and they hate me, I'm the youngest homeowner in the place.

Officer:   Are you OK to be driving around?

BD:       Of course, I drive really well when I'm drunk, look at this...

I start happily turning my steering wheel from left to right, over exaggeratedly with a huge smile on my face. I show the officer I can turn waaaay left and then quickly turn waaaaay right.

BD:   Seeeee, I can drive fiiiiiiiine.

BOOM.    Fuck!   I just hit a curb!

What the hell? Oh shit I was dreaming and driving. Right now I'm going 45mph and hitting the curb jolted me awake. Where am I?  What the fuck is going on here?

I try to collect myself and realize I'm driving down Horizon Ridge Ave, 50 yards from my entrance gate. Wow! I'm right where I was dreaming I was, without the cop and getting pulled over part.

So I glide the car 50 yards farther to my entrance gate, #1463 and the gates open. I turn left and go down the street and pull into my garage. WOW. Did that just fucking happen? I walk into the house in a trance…

PinUpGirl:    Finally you get home!

BD:       Pinch me, am I awake?

PinUpGirl:   Yes! Are you ok! Jesus BD you’re a mess, did you just drive home?

BD:       Yea! And I got pulled over right outside the gate!

PinUpGirl:    What! And they let you off!?!?!?!

BD:       Well I'm not sure it really happened.

PinUpGirl:    What the hell does that mean?

BD:       My alignment in my car is fucked, I think I just hit a curb. Good night.